27/30: Homecoming Free-Write

From a slow-moving Saturday morning.

“You’re so brave” I thought I was fueled by an inability to settle. Running from stability always felt right even if it wasn’t necessarily the best idea. “How do you just get up and go? Aren’t you scared?” I have been searching for an unknown destination that I am unsure if I will ever find. Am I homesick for the space I held before I was introduced to the anxieties of being an adult? People always say that home is where your heart is but I’m positive that I left mine under a tree trunk somewhere. “I wish I could do what you do.” I have scattered bits of my heart around people and places from all over the world like a knock off version of Hansel and Gretel. I thought that if I ever got too scared, I’d be able to find my way back home but it’s never that easy. Sometimes I am amazed by how resilient my heart can be, the rest of my days are spent in conflict with the word “resilient” and wondering how much resilience I have left. I am addicted to falling in love with physical places because they won’t ever run away. I’ve also learned the sweetness of falling in love with another human and discovered that its not as scary as I once believed.  Am I homesick for a place that is so perfect, my brain can not even recall? “You must make so many friends!” Am I homesick for all of the childhood dreams I once had the confidence to fufill? When I was young, I wanted to be an architect. I’ve always wanted to create something that will stand for generations to come. I’ve learned that I’m capable of commitment. I can ground myself to a single location, but I just don’t want to. The world is huge and I never felt like I was meant to stay in the same place. Am I homesick for a world that only exists in my memory. Or am I homesick for the future? I don’t think I’ll ever be certain but I am positive that I will not sleep in the same place forever.


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