09/30: Non-existent Kiwi Tree

A letter from 2017 that I never actually sent.

Writing letters has always been one of my favorite ways to communicate. I’ve always struggled with forming words during verbal, face-to-face conversations so putting them all on paper has been my preferred method for initiating the more in-depth conversations. if you’ve ever written me a letter of any sort, I probably still have it. Theres a cork board in my bedroom with post cards and letters from friends, co-workers, and ex boyfriends. Most of them are kind and thoughtful, some of them are a little heavy, theres even a short one that an ex stuffed into my backpack after breaking up and leaving for Thailand.

I suppose we never really know exactly what we’re looking for in relationships because our concept of love and what it should look like is always changing. I could’ve met someone capable of being the “right person” right now at some earlier point in my life, but ignored it because at the time I needed something different. Does that make sense? You know how when people say “right person, wrong time?”

I’ve met several people during my transient years where I thought the same thing. I’d consider all the things we had in common, our chemistry, etc but then I’d remember the circumstance of where and how we met. Our future goals did not line up, I was heading in one direction they were heading in another. So continuing to say they were the “right” person is just a contradiction. There is no “right person, wrong time” because if the timing is wrong then its simply not the “right” person. And also, what does it mean to be the “right” person?

I spent close to a decade convinced that I loved the right person at the wrong time. We were coworkers at a restaurant – we knew each other for a few weeks but I suppose you could say that we became friends on the same day he told the rest of the crew he would be moving in 6 months. We clicked immediately, felt the same way about each other,  and I tried my hardest to convince him to stay because.. well, he was the right person? However, he wasn’t in the right place and he needed to go. I always romanticized the idea of packing my stuff and driving south but never had the courage to do so. His rejection ultimately served as the catalyst for all my years of traveling.  We eventually ended up in the same city a few years later and once again, things didn’t work out. This time, I wasn’t in the right place. I loved him, and part of me always will but I no longer carry the idea of “right person, wrong time” because it just makes acknowledging that the relationship wasn’t right harder to accept.

We never wrote each other handwritten notes, but we exchanged letters in other ways. We still talk pretty regularly, and I don’t know if I’d label our relationship as being best friends, but he is and always be one of the most important people in my life. So whether its an email chain that goes back several years, a few words scribbled onto a beer-stained bar napkin, or a note an ex secretly stuffed into a backpack, they’ll always be extremely special to me. Not because of the constant reminder of broken relationships, but because they’re all reminders that I’ve loved and been loved. It took me awhile I acknowledge that I’m capable of either, but I’m here now.

Anyway, here’s a letter that I wrote to someone else who I met at the wrong time back in 2017. This person wasn’t just a random hook-up, nor was he ever a boyfriend, but he wasn’t necessarily just a friend. You know, that weird grey area in-between?

Dear ______,

I remember sitting on the porch during the block party watching random strangers compete with each other in ping pong. I remember sitting there planning out how I’m going to take this city by storm. I had a few locals strike conversation with me about the usual stuff, you know.. How long has this match been going on? Do you play? Have you seen the booth on the corner of Blair and 2nd? It was a sea of casual small talk, everything was normal until you walked up and offered me one frozen grape. I don’t have to go in to detail, because you were there.

I remember looking at you while dancing to a funk band, I was familiar with the look on your face. We continued to hang out a few times until the day you decided to break the ice. I told you that I was the most confusing person in the world, and you responded with a chuckle before reminding me that I am un-readable. After an afternoon of slack-lining, I told you I didn’t want anything serious, aside from the fact that you still kissed me, you remained respectful of my boundaries. You continued to hang out with me like I was simply a new friend.

You have no idea how much that meant to me so lets fast forward a few days

We met up to go climbing, and we decided to go foraging afterwards. I remember walking around looking for the (non)existent kiwi tree and you continued to make glances at me. I wanted to kiss you but I’ve been hurt a lot recently so I didn’t. You became my best friend in this new timeline I fell into.

I don’t need to keep going into detail, because like I said before, you were obviously there.

Last night you told me you went on a date with a girl you met at the market. I told you I was happy, and I wasn’t lying – but fuck, that hurt. It all goes back to that idea that I’m always a blip on a radar. I jump into timelines, and I make my presence known. I always leave and their lives continue to whirl on without me. I hope you find what you are looking for, as much as I wanted to be included in that path we both know this isn’t the best time. I didn’t want anything serious because I didn’t want to end up hurting you, but in the end- I hurt myself.

I know I wasn’t around for long, but thank you for offering me that one, single frozen grape. You never let me feel like I wasn’t worth your time, and you never left me hanging. I actually wanted to stay in [city] because I wanted to explore this because I liked you a lot more than I admitted. You showed me compassion, and you showed me my own self worth.  I enjoyed our time, and I am forever grateful of the space we held for each other. Throughout all of my travels, I hold a few people close to my soul. You are one of them. I may not be around for a long time, but I know that I will run into you again. Keep on shining bright, you will move mountains with your inspirational ways. You have made me a better person in just 6 short weeks and I hope that I was able to do the same for you.

See you when I see you,

Aimee, the fig thief.


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